My Heart
Posted on September 5, 2011
I don’t think I’ve ever blogged about my littles. So, here goes the first one. This is a peek into my life.
Blunt honesty-
They carry my heart wherever they go. If they get hurt, I hurt. If they are happy it makes my heart happy. They melt me, in more ways than one. Sometimes it’s the kind when they do something so very sweet for one another that it just makes you melt, or the way they look at you with such trust in thinking that you know every answer to every question; all 1,704 questions a day. Or sometimes I melt in the kind of way that makes it sometimes a bit hard to get myself back into “mama” form. Like when they make me want to pluck their little ears off because they weren’t using them, or because they are in a phase that is hard to break them of, that makes me want to pull my hair out. However they make me melt, I treasure it. I will look back on it one day and laugh at the little things they did, good, not so good, funny, naughty and just plain out annoying. Oh admit it, I know there are sometimes when you think, that your child has done something annoying. They all do it!
I am trying to constantly remember just how little they are. Sometimes I forget this; especially if and when I am stressed over my work load. My fuse unfortunately becomes shortened and I hate that. When you are with them 24/7 sometimes we tend to need a break from each other. Me from them and them from me. I think it’s just a fact of life; and it’s good for them as well as me.
God told me several years ago that He wanted me to home-school. Years upon years ago, I used to swear I would never home-school, and that I would keep my kids in public school. As I’ve said before, God has one MASSIVE sense of humor. I rebelled and went along with public school. But first here is a little bit of background leading up to homeschooling, bear with me, you will enjoy it. I know, home-school is not for everyone. But I wanted to share our story of how we got here as many people have asked this very question.
B and A were both in preschool at a wonderful wonderful church school. They loved it and we loved it. As B was to move on to Kindergarten I struggled over what to do. I felt a pull to make a change with what we were doing and move Avery to another preschool. I had no good reason other than God told me to, and He led us to a real angel named Elaine. She had a preschool called Woodland Creek Academy. This was a preschool that when you walked in, you were home. It was held in an old 1800′s home on the historical register. It was beautiful. I fell in love with it, not only with the home but the people, the teachers, and especially Elaine. She offered programs for toddler’s through kindergarten. The thought crossed my mind to put both B and A with Mrs. Elaine. Again, I didn’t listen and I went ahead and put B in another church Kindergarten program knowing he wasn’t ready for full day kindergarten at public school, and put A in Woodland Creek in the 3 year old program. In my way of thinking I just thought B needed to be in a “bigger” setting with more children and a more “school-y” feeling-kind-of-kindergarten to prepare him for “big school”, public school. This is where he played baseball as well, so he did have friends from his ball team in his class. We still play ball at this church and LOVE it. It is a wonderful program that I can’t say enough good things about! Now, it was great where he was, and again God put more families that home-school in my path; but I’m just not so sure it was for B. I didn’t realize it until after the fact though.
It came time for kindergarten graduation and my heart ached that B would be going to school all day long. I continued on and ignored all the people in my life that God had put there who were home-school families. He had been showing me home-school was the way to go, WAY before B was even a thought, before I had even met my husband. I was introduced to a family at church who needed a sitter for their two children. They were a home-school family and I would babysit for them quite often. This was the first of many families God was showing me. I also have someone who I look at as a sister, I love her as a sister and she is SO much like me. I grew up with her and her sister and her mom was my second mom. Cathy, my “sister friend” also would “babysit” for me and her sister, Cindy when we were in elementary school. Cathy’s mom, “Aunt Martha” as I called her and still do, kept me everyday until my mom would pick me up after work. I love them and they are family. Cathy was the next person who was a constant in my life who began to home-school after we were grown. I thought it was great and every home-school family I interacted with I knew I loved them and there was just something special God was showing me. Then when B was a baby, we got involved with a stupid decision on our part but obviously one that God intended for us to do, but we didn’t succeed at it, instead we failed miserably. It was called Herbal Life. It just wasn’t for us. However, the lady who we signed up under had two children who were home-schooled. Here was another peek into what God wanted us to do. It became something that was constantly put in front of us. Home-school families right and left. You would think we would have payed attention. (must be where my kids get it from). I could tell you of MANY many other families but it would end up being a novel. So. . .
. . .don’t forget to: ”Listen for God’s voice in everything you do and everywhere you go; He’s the one that will keep you on track.” Proverbs 3:6
Kindergarten graduation came and went. I enrolled B in public school. I was VERY hesitant and just didn’t want to for some reason. But I did. First grade. He was in public school. Avery was still at Woodland creek which was now called Union Grove after God decided to move the school down the road to a wonderful little church. I was noticing that this school, Union Grove was instilling things in my daughter that were never instilled in my son at preschool or kindergarten, or first grade so far. Elaine was using a completely different kind of learning style called Charlotte Mason and it is indeed a home-school type of curriculum and learning I had heard of years before when I taught preschool. Avery was learning by leaps and bounds, playing, gardening, cooking, reading the bible, learning sign language, and enjoying every minute of school. She gained a thirst for learning. Learning on her own track in her own time with no rush and no pressure. B on the other hand, was struggling. I was struggling. I wanted him to love school. But, his spirit was slowing being crushed. He was a different boy, not my happy B. By the time he got home from school it was getting late, he was tired, and still had homework to do. He wanted to run and play and I wanted him to run and play, but we had to sit and do homework. It was then dinner time and it was almost time to go to bed and start all over again. Blah.
But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
It was heartbreaking. He would cry not wanting to go to school. He would say he was sick on test days. He was exhausted after the first half of the school year. He was getting sick all the time. God was tugging so hard at me still. I began researching day and night and reading everything I could about home-school. I always said I wouldn’t do it. But, here I was making plans to home-school after rebelling and not listening to God for many years. I pulled him out after sticking out the whole first grade year. I was sure I was doing the right thing and God has now shown me that I am. This has been the best decision we have ever made even though I refused to listen for so many years.
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:8
I am constantly reminded that I am doing the right thing and I am constantly rewarded not only by the joys of my children enjoying learning things and playing as they do so. I am not only rewarded in seeing them succeed but in the reassuring love of God that I am doing what he wanted all along. I have had SO much fun watching him learn last year and learning along with him too! This year A is home with us doing first grade. M is still at Union Grove, which will always hold a special place in my heart and so will the people there. I will forever be involved with Union Grove even when my kids are too old to go there. Elaine is an angel here on earth impacting the lives of many families and children in her care.
After that long winded story that I had no idea where it was going here is my Heart in three different places:
Entertaining Lesson’s Learned and 100 other things about me.
Posted on December 15, 2010
So, this week has been a very hard week. For those of you who know me and those whose photo’s I’ve done; know that I befriend all of my clients. It’s just who I am and my personality.
I love people. I try to do as Jesus would. I am way too trusting. I love everyone until given a reason not to. However, this week, I learned a hard lesson. In some way’s my heart is not as soft anymore, and I have gained a scar. I will no longer consider everyone a friend, not for a long time anyway. You just never know who you are dealing with. I am not naive, but I am very sensitive to others feelings.
I do not hold my tongue if I am provoked. I probably should and that is a big flaw of mine. But, I was changed forever 4 years ago. My mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor. After emergency surgery the day before Thanksgiving and what seemed like a LONG time in the ICU and not knowing what the next day held I was changed. My dad was falling apart on me. I became “a bulldog” at that hospital. I had too to get my mom what she needed and to be her spokesperson. I am an only child. It was hard. I didn’t know what tomorrow held. I prayed constantly for over a year and when I say constantly I mean at every waking minute when I wasn’t talking and I was silent, I was praying. Ever since then, what I think, usually spills right out. I overflow without planning to. My filter doesn’t always work. I have a unwaivering faith in God. I do everything for Him.
I do not have a degree in business. I have a degree in art. I am first and foremost God’s daughter, a Mommy and a wife. Then, I have a calling that God has called me to do. I capture memories. I freeze the sweetest moments in time forever, and those that are not so sweet at the time of the picture, they end up being priceless and my favorite pictures. I paint with God’s light through the lens of my camera. I can not talk and take a picture at the same time.
I fly by the seat of my pants on most days. I live for spontaneous moments. I learned that not everyone believes what you say. Not everyone trusts me. That little fact hurts for some reason. My loyalty is hard to shake. Once you become a friend of mine, you are always a friend of mine. I probably shouldn’t be writing this post, but once again I’m overflowing and my filter is not working. Maybe there is somebody else out there who needs to read this and who it might minister to. You never know.
This is just a little bit about me, things that some people don’t know. I will drop everything I am doing to help my friends. I do everything very VERY meticulously and I love LOVE tedious little jobs. I am a perfectionist with my art and the memories that I strive to capture.
I used to be really shy, but God knew what I needed and he gave me Tom and then something transformed me and I am no longer shy at all. However, I do not like to speak in front of large numbers of people. I hate that, and it freaks me out a bit. I despise that word I just used (freaks, freaking) but my filter didn’t catch it. I talk to everybody. I talk to people in the checkout lane, I talk to people on the same shopping aisle as me. I have been known to talk to the people in the lane next to me in my car. Sometimes this trait drives my husband crazy. I am not good at good byes at all. Any kind of goodbye.
I LOVE kids. I feel like a kid still. Sometimes I truly forget that I am 33 years old and I still think I am 19 or maybe even 8. I LOVE to play. Lego’s are one of my favorite toy’s. I love doll houses too, but I struggle with how to play doll house. I love teaching my kids. I love playing with them too. It is the most rewarding and fun thing ever.
I never planned on being a homeschool mom. God always has a sense of humor on me though. Something funny- When I was little, my Uncle and Aunt lived in Dacula with my cousins DeeDee and AJ and when we used to come to their house for birthday parties, or family gatherings it was always so SO loud. I used to say to my parents when we would leave, why are people in Dacula SO loud? Guess, what? I live in Dacula. Know what else, my husband and kids have a volume knob somewhere that is broken and they have one volume, LOUD! Also, I used to ask my parents when I was little why no one ever came from out-of-town to spend the night with us. I always dreamed of out-of-town company and always wanted for some reason to have out-of-town company. Know what? Boy, do I ever have out-of-town company now! By the dozen at a time. Truly, a dozen at a time. This was something VERY hard to get used to. I married into a big family. That is what I get. I love them all and wouldn’t trade it for anything because if I did, I wouldn’t have Tom, or my three sweetest babies in the world. God is funny. And here I am homeschooling. Never planned too, but He told me to, so I did and now I LOVE it. He really does know what’s best. I’m thinking that the lesson that I learned this week is just another one of God’s little pieces of humor. I just haven’t found the humor in it yet. ;-| In more ways than one, and not only on me, but someone else as well.
I know, this is a strange post that I felt compelled to write and it is somewhat healing for me to write down these things. This is like one BIG journal entry. I guess this is what blogging is all about huh?
I get majorly stressed when I am overwhelmed, but at the same time I am scarily laid back, all at the same time. If I were an animal I think I would be a dog or a cat, because if I had a tail and you pulled it I will bite or yell. Like what happened this week. I bit and yelled(kind of) I hate being caught off guard. I love to write but don’t like to talk. I get into my own little world sometimes and become so focused at night when I am working that 3 hours can go by and I don’t even realize it. Then when I do, I am AMAZED; every time too. Every single time I am amazed that that much time went by and I didn’t know.
I am an animal lover. I want to save all stray and ill-treated animals. I live for music and like it loud sometimes. Music is in my soul. It must be trapped though, because I can’t sing worth anything and it’s painful if I try. If I were to be able to choose another talent it would be to be able to sing.
I really really dislike my “pouch” that I carry on my tummy, however, I wear it proudly; as it is my badge of mommyhood, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I do hate to look at it though. My kids love it! They like to blow raspberries in my wrinkly, soft, tummy that looks like a yeast roll that has risen and then fallen. My girls like to pinch it and squeeze it and, let me tell you it does wonders for self-esteem!
My house has clutter, and it drives me crazy, but I can’t win over the battle. I accept it. So, I think I am nearing the end of my journaling. I think that is everything that was on my mind and everything that I wanted to share. I learned a lesson and I haven’t decided if I like the lesson or not. I can’t decipher just yet if God is having a sense of humor on me and on someone else possibly.
Okay, I am off to lose track of time now! Merry Christmas and Have a Holly JOLLY one! And remember God is funny. Look for his humor. (My husband just said that God gave us farts to keep us all humble and to laugh at. Yep, I just said fart in my blog! Oh my!!) LOL
And I leave you with a big piece of sweet! From my boy! What sweet boy-
Translation for those of you who can’t read and decipher kid writing:
Mommy I love you to death
Mom your the wonderfullist mom ever
I this (he meant just) love you to death
Merry Christmas Mommy.
<3